Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
