He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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