I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
