In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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