Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
