watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
