It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
