I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I love having hate sex.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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