Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
