Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
