Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
