Plan B is the new Plan A
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
