wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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