Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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