Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
