At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
