the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
