I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
