well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
