i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
This house was built for laser tag.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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