I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
