He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
