Your face is a jimmy john
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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