How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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