shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
