I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
