Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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