two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
