I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I touched a dick in church today
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
