My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
