so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
