I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
we're so committed to being not committed
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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