So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
