70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
