I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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