help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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