i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
