why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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