And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have fence marks all over my body
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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