He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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