I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
