I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
