My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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