I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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