he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
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i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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