we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
