A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
