That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
