ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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