I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
