I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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