farters have to be the big spoon...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
