All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if only i could text you this smell
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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