Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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