every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
